The Let Them Theory
Relinquish the thought of controlling others to lead with less stress.
Topics: Principal Leadership
NAESP members recently shared their insights on the book The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Their answers have been edited for length and clarity.
Don’t Take Things Personally
What was the book’s main message?
Let go of trying to control others and their actions, and instead “let them” be. Reflect on what you can do when faced with a tough situation or decision.
What parts of the book resonated with you?
Often, leaders are faced with challenging situations. When people are being hurtful toward you, it’s hard not to take that personally. This theory helps you let others have that reaction without taking things to heart.
What was your favorite quote from the book?
“You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.”
What is one strategy you will incorporate into your leadership approach?
I plan to use this theory to make the decisions I know are best for students and my school. I will let the loud voices be heard, but not let them control my emotions or my core values.
What is one idea you took from the book to implement in your school?
I have used this concept with students when they have had conflicts. Teaching them to let others think or behave how they want—and that they have the power to let them go—has helped resolve conflicts.
How has this book helped you grow as a leader?
It has helped me view situations differently and to not take things so personally.
Countdown to Productivity
What was the book’s main message?
You have control over how you let other people impact you and your choices.
How did this book change your thinking?
It is about how much space I allow other people to have in my brain. I control how much I let other people impact me positively and negatively.
What was your favorite quote from the book?
“Most adults are just 8-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you’re with a person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way they act, I want you to just imagine the fourth grade version of them present in the room with you.”
What strategies did you learn that will make your job easier?
5-4-3-2-1. You count down from 5, and when you get to 1, you do what you are having a challenging time initiating. This has worked for everything from getting off the couch to cleaning the bathroom to working on teacher evaluations.
How have the lessons in the book impacted your relationship with students?
Middle school is challenging. [We must] remind ourselves not to take student responses personally, as they can range from one end of the spectrum to the other in moments.
Why should other school leaders read this book? Leadership is a challenging and isolating job. It is easy to take on the emotions of others, especially when they aren’t happy with you. This book helps add perspective to what others think and empowers the reader to take control of how much they choose to carry.
Inner Peace is Non Negotiable
What was the book’s main message?
Learn how to control what you can control. Don’t force your own wants or ideas onto others, find your peace within, and don’t let others’ opinions dictate your emotions and decisions.
How did this book help you to be introspective?
I saw myself on so many pages: “Yes, I’ve been there. Yes, I’ve done that.” Too many times, I’ve pressured others to do what I wanted them to do, rather than allowing them to make their own choices.
What was your favorite quote from the book?
“Your peace is non-negotiable. Protecting it requires you to let them be who they are, while you become who you are meant to be.”
What’s a technique you learned that you’ll implement in your leadership?
One idea I took from the book is to identify control patterns, set boundaries, manage emotional reactions, and practice acceptance. This technique aims to provide a practical road map for changing ingrained behaviors.
How has the book changed your perspective on leadership?
It has challenged me to focus on difficult conversations by being in tune to the wording and not trying to analyze it from my perspective or hearing what I want to hear. I listen to understand [things] through the person’s lens, not my own.
How can other school leaders benefit from reading this book?
I think other leaders should read this book to relieve stress. As I read it, I felt a sense of calmness and control of my emotions. It provides very simplistic strategies to make your day, month, and year a little more [manageable].
Focus on What You Can Control
What was the central message you took away from this book?
Reclaim your peace by allowing others to be and do what they will, while you focus on allowing yourself to do what you should do.
What was a major takeaway that resonated with you?
The inability to control the actions of others causes so much stress. But if we focus on what we can control—ourselves—we can control the outcomes and receive what we need.
What was your favorite quote from the book?
“Let them show you who they are, and you can choose what you do next.”
How have you adapted your leadership approach based on this book’s lessons?
When stressful events occur, I don’t focus on what happened or what another person did; I immediately begin to act. It’s not about what they did; it’s about what I need to do afterward.
Should anyone besides school leaders read this book?
This is a book that even elementary-aged students can benefit from. During a student interview for a competition, a student talked about having read The Let Them Theory and how it helped him deal with other students not treating him right.
How has this book helped you grow as a leader?
I focus less on trying to change the behaviors of others. I let them do what they do, and I do what I need to do for my own good and the good of our organization.
What would you tell other leaders about this book?
It gives you back all of the energy you would have lost by worrying about other people.